Find the Funny Faster
by Linda Edgecombe
Life after kids… I dusted off the old skis, found something to keep my ears warm, borrowed my kid's gloves and pulled on my old long johns and a pair of sweatpants. Grabbed some sunglasses and something that would keep me warm till I got up to the hill. I pulled out that old one-piece ski suit and I was off. It's mid-winter and I am planning to spend this Wednesday up on the mountain, as Wednesdays are Ladies Day. How could one pass up the deal with the price of a lift ticket including a lesson, lunch and a day in God's fresh air. I am thinking, as I drive up to the hill, that I probably should have gone to a few of those palates classes to strengthen and stretch those underused muscles, but hey I am a mom. What better training could there be for a day on the slopes? Running up and down the stairs 25 times a day should be training enough. I've wanted to have this day for a few years now and kept hearing the local radio station talk about the Women of Wonder on the slopes every Wednesday. A day to feel like you did when you were in your early 20's; able to make a decision without considering your family's needs first, to be able to eat your lunch while it's still hot, and even having a glass of wine to top things off. Wow I am getting excited now...
I get to the hill and find lots of parking available, great - this mid-week skiing really is the way to go. Now lets get suited up and go get my lift ticket. I take that 7-year-old one-piece suit out of my ski bag, the one that I wore BK (before kids) and pull it on. It feels a bit snug so I decide to take off that extra sweatshirt. It's a nice day so I probably won't need that extra warmth. I say to myself, "hey I have the PBFA" (personal body fat advantage). Well, let's take off those sweat pants too, Lord knows I will really want all the freedom I can get when I tackle those bumps on the black diamond runs. It's still a bit snug but I get that zipper up. Ok, now the boots. I get 'em on and the true test is to see if I can actually bend over and do them up. Alright, so I got my girlfriend to bend over and do the boots up. I'm going to be standing most of the day anyway. Off I go.
I think my feet have gained a bit of weight too, I just don't remember them hurting this much before. My keen memory forgets that I used to ski with a wine skin. Nothing hurt in my 20's???
To say I felt like I was in a straightjacket - correction, I mean straight suit is being modest. Upper and lower body is so constricted I start feeling light headed, but it must be the altitude. Wow the price of tickets has really gone up! But it does include lunch and the kids really do like macaroni.
Off we go to the chair lift and for the first time in my life I look like a life-size version of Barbie, you know the Barbie that can't bend her legs. Mind you, I don't have her waistline, long blonde hair or pointy toes.
My 200 cm skis that used to be cool are now archaic but wouldn't be so obvious if it were not for their florescent purple and pink color. Ah the 80's. As I start to sing the lyrics to Tainted Love, I realize it's my turn for the chair. Hey, bonus, I don't even need the foot rest on the chairlift as the tightness of the suit keeps my leg pointing straight out. At the top I decide that I best warm up with a blue run. Those black diamond runs will have to wait a bit. Within 30 seconds I realize I must have taken a wrong turn and I'm now on a black run as the bumps and the vertical drop seem a bit daunting (ok, the colour was green but in the shape of a diamond). I remembered my first lesson as a child - when in doubt, just sit down and slide down the hill. And I would have, if I could have actually bent my knees. So I opt for option 2 - traverse, tree to tree down the run trying not to look too un-cool as the Wednesday ladies zip past me in their shape skis and shape bodies.
I wish I could describe the joy in getting to the bottom 2 hours later and sliding right into the lodge to warm my frozen body and limbs (circulation must be acting up???). The final insult came when it was time to undo my ski suit. Imagine me in front of a Mountain Resort Lodge full of beautiful people and pulling the zipper to what must have looked like the cutting open of a bag of pink insulation. Talk about a 'fulfilling' entrance!
So the moral of the story is: If you choose to hit the slopes this year, try the suit on before you leave just in case it has shrunk.
Have a great time outside this year.
Copyright Linda Edgecombe. All Rights Reserved.
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